When you love a person who is hurting, you want to somehow love your way out of their depression. This rarely works. Thankfully, you can learn what does work, like helping them learn to harness their own inner drill sergeant.
I learned this from my ten-year relationship with a man who has bipolar, as well as living with my own depression for many years. Love is important, and those of us with bipolar need it, but it can only go so far in helping us find a management plan that works.
The answer—and, believe me, it works—is planning ahead with a specific strategy you can use when the depression shows up. My book Get It Done When You’re Depressed has 50 of these strategies.
Here is how YOU can use such strategies with a loved one.
Be aware: This process usually takes a YEAR or more. I know. Humans want everything to be fast. It’s not fast. It’s a process. You create a foundation by educating yourself and then slowly and surely introducing the strategies into your life. Then, and only then, can you introduce them to a loved one.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
“Be Your Own Drill Sergeant”
Let’s start with one of my favorites, Strategy #6, “Be Your Own Drill Sergeant.” (If you don’t have the book, you can read more here.)
This strategy teaches the idea that a person who is depressed still has an inner guide that can rise up and help them even when they feel hopeless and helpless.
What follows is an excerpt from my book:
Even if you’re the type who responds well to softer language, you probably have days when talking to yourself in a calm and gentle way won’t work. It might be that the depressions won’t lift and getting things done is impossible, even if you use a certain approach that has helped in the past. These are the days when you must step aside and let someone or something else take over. Sometimes you need to call upon your inner drill sergeant and let him or her take over and get you back on track. This takes imagination and a willingness to be slightly silly, but you can do it.
I use this technique every day when I’m depressed. I created it in the ‘1990s, when I realized that what my brain was saying was not my reality.
I am in bed. I can’t move. The depression cascades over my head. I feel hopeless and helpless.
My thoughts: Not another day of this! I can’t go on like this! Why is my life so hard! Other people have it so much easier! What is wrong with me! Why am I so unhappy!
All of this before I even get out of bed!
In the past, I lived this so completely, I didn’t know it was serious depression. It enveloped me. I was often in bed for weeks.
One day, I thought to myself, People in the army have to get up. People who are in a marching band or those who have others depending on them have to get up. How do I get up?
And then I heard my inner drill sergeant voice:
Julie! Get Out of Bed! Just get up, young lady! Throw off the covers! Put those feet down! You did it!!! Next step is to brush your teeth, wash your face, and get dressed. Come on, woman! You can do it!!! Now get dressed. Come on! Come on!
As I got better at this, I could picture others telling me what to do:
Scarlett O’Hara. My grandmother!
Once I got the energy from the drill sergeant–type words, I felt my own thinking change:
I think I can! I can do this! I will do this! Get up! Get out! Get things done!
How to Use This Technique with a Loved One
I am NOT suggesting that you say these things to a loved one. Not at all.
Here’s a script you can use to introduce the idea of the inner drill sergeant:
Honey, I know there are days when getting up is hard. I know that there are struggles that I can’t even imagine. Julie Fast has an idea that works for her. When the low mood is keeping her down, she finds what she calls her “inner drill sergeant,” and lets it talk to her on the days she feels she can’t move. If you want to read about it. I left the book on the kitchen table. It’s Strategy #6.
bp Magazine has many resources on how you can help a loved one who lives with bipolar depression. Love is very important, of course! But we do need more than love to help someone manage an illness.
You can learn the strategies that work, practice them yourself, and then introduce them to the person with depression. This changes lives!
Julie A. Fast is the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, Get It Done When You’re Depressed, and The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder. She is a columnist and blogger for bp Magazine, and she won the Mental Health America journalism award for the best mental health column in the US. Julie was also the recipient of the Eli Lilly Reintegration Achievement Award for her work in bipolar disorder advocacy. Julie is a bipolar disorder expert for ShareCare, a site created by Dr. Oz and Oprah. Julie is CEU certified and regularly trains health care professionals, including psychiatric residents, social workers, therapists, and general practitioners, on bipolar disorder management skills. She was the original consultant for Claire Danes for the show Homeland and is on the mental health expert registry for People magazine. She works as a coach for parents and partners of people with bipolar disorder. Julie is currently writing a book for children called "Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis, and Depression." You can find more about her work at JulieFast.com and BipolarHappens.com.
Mood symptoms such as overspending, hypersexuality, anger attacks, and self-isolation hurt those around us. A simple apology is just the starting point of making things right. When Our Actions during Bipolar Mood Episodes Harm Others Olivia S. of Colorado got up one morning to unexpectedly find two of her four grown children in her living...
One of the most important decisions we make is the person we trust with our hearts and choose to spend our lives with. For a relationship to not just survive but also thrive when one partner lives with bipolar, there are a few foundational requirements. Here is what I have learned so far … We...
Whether you live with bipolar or love someone who does, you can find comfort, wisdom, and strategies (maybe even a good laugh!) in these inspirational books. We can lose ourselves in the power of the written word, compelled by the raw emotions, deep insights, and humorous takes offered by others like us—people who share our...
This time of year, I actively resist the urge to overspend. I love giving gifts, going to holiday parties, and dressing up to celebrate. In the past, mania “managed” my wallet and festivities for me. It just forgot about, well, everything else. Thankfully, I’ve learned some lessons to manage my money, my moods, and the...