After 9 Years, I’m Still Ashamed to Tell My Husband When I’m Depressed
When I met my husband, I was completely honest and open about my bipolar disorder. But now, 9 years after we married, I am still ashamed to tell my husband about my depression.
Damn stigma. I am still ashamed. And I really don’t understand why.
I told my now husband weeks into dating, nine (9) years ago this summer, that I was Bipolar. I was totally open. Now I am hiding that I am currently winding down the road of depression as I am now off my wellness regime, for the last two/ three, weeks.
I haven’t told him about the anxiety that I have had in recent weeks. It’s not like he can/could do much about it… and it’s not that he doesn’t care, he should know – but I am HIDING.
I am embarrassed. I am disappointed that I am not doing my yoga, I am not meditating much – I am not eating my probiotics, frankly I am not eating well at all… I am cancelling lunch dates and I am avoiding the much-needed work to launch my new business.
I wake up less motivated, after a restless night – half awake and going downhill fast. <insert sigh>
It’s not that my husband wouldn’t understand, he wants to know… he wants to medicate me… <insert another sigh, I still struggle with taking my medication> but it’s that he doesn’t totally understand.
Anyone who hasn’t lived with and survived depression doesn’t totally understand, in my opinion. I don’t blame them. I want to help lead them to understanding.
In a way, today, I am protecting him as I crumble on the inside. I really just need a hug. I really just need to be held, maybe rocked to sleep.
When I take care of myself I am well. When I actually do the things that I need to do, I am better. I am better than high functioning, I am living and enjoying my life but I got off track two short weeks ago. (It’s amazing how quickly I have seen a change.)
So this post isn’t to rant but to recognize that I am slipping, to shame myself into action – to share that my bipolar tendencies are getting the better of me and to help me reach out to my husband – as hard as it may be to share. As hard as it may be for him to hear.
And with that I share, I cannot give up! I will not give up. I will begin again, now! Today is another chance to do the right thing. To take care of myself, to practice radical self care! All us Bipolar’s should really practice radical self care.
Maybe that is the evidence that the world needs to see to understand that we can all “wire (ourselves) to be happy” like Tony Robbin’s suggests. We can start to bust the stigma from the inside. Instead of shoving “you don’t understand me” down people’s throats.
I know from all the yoga I have done that changing our breathing really mixes things up. And I know that my gratitude practice changes my attitude. I am going turn on the tunes now and try it the Tony Robbins way – to begin again, anew.